Family

During a mellodramatic moment in which I felt completely wronged,  hated, and unappreciated I announced that I would not be joining in on family thanksgivings after this year. Literally the only thing I could think of was that I was Thankful that I lived 2hrs away from my family. I realize I was being just as hurtful to my family as I felt they were being to me, but I still feel angry, and I still don't plan on joining in on thanksgiving with the family anymore. I don't enjoy a weekend of yelling, and character bashing. I am completely content by myself eating a mcrib for dinner.

It wasn't until right now I started feeling bad that I feel this way. I can rationalize why we but heads, they still see me as a kid who can't make an intelligent decision if it's different than theirs. I see myself as an adult who is competent enough to be trusted with the lives of fragile patients every day. They see themselves as my parents with full responsibility for me and my actions. I see them as equalls.

The frustrating thing about family is they have known you the longest, and can anticipate your moves before you have time to plan them, but they don't let you change or grow up, you stay in a box. They love you more than anyone else, but they feel at liberty to criticise more than anyone else.

I realize this is probably a lesson God is trying to teach me, but I dont quite know what it is. Is it that I the way I interact with my family is how I interact with God? Is it that I have an anger problem? Is it that if I cant even love my family, how am I truly showing Gods love to the world? I don't know and right now I don't care, I just have to write it out so my mind can start processing, hopefully my heart will follow.

Powerful sermon on truth

                                                              James 5:13-20

"13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

17Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. 18Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.

19My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, 20remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

We live in a world that refuses to define or believe in an absolute Truth. Verse 19 shows us that there is truth in this world and that the effect of turning away from truth is SIN. If truth is relative then there can be no sin, but we know that sin exists.

Why do we have to define when a baby becomes a baby, why do have to fight child abuse, why do we choose to disobey traffic laws, why do we slack off at work, why do we pirate music and movies? Its because sin and  a skewed moral compass due to lack of truth.

James is calling us to not live for this world, and to actively stand out against the sins of this world. Live for Gods world. Verse 20 bring back those who are in sin.

Dont be so caught up in your own sin that you cant be concerned for the salvation of a brother. Care about restoring and redeeming those struggling with the truth.

content

Gods just been showing me how different this year is than I expected it to be. Its my first year not in school and I thought it would be super freeing and just fun. This year is fun! and in a way I never expected.

It's weird not having an end goal in sight, Im not living just to get through this semester, or through this test, or through nursing school. I am out in the world living life just to live.  I was really depressed for my first few months out in the real world, I felt like I had no purpose, no goal, no reason to get up every morning. I know dramatic, but its something I struggle with. Unless I have a goal in mind, its hard for me to be motivated and want to try hard at what Im doing, it feels endless and dumb. Luckily God is smarter than my ADD.

I asked God just to show me His will and plan. I went to a medical conference that just opened my eyes to how extremely lucky I am to be able to care for his children at their most vulnerable times, and show them His love and comfort. I know the way I care for my patients has changed, I don't feel unatached anymore, but I don't feel overwhelmed by their problems. I pray for them everyday before during and after work and let God take care of them.

 I also just recently got the opportunity to move into more of a leadership position with CRU. because of unfortunate circumstances I know get to be the girl leader for one of the community groups and follow up with the freshman and non-leader girls. I was over joyed, I had been praying for God to show me how he was going to use me and what he wanted me to do, and he showed me EXACTLY how he was going to use me in both my work and my volunteering.

On top of all of that he has been showing me how to appreciate each day as it comes. I love my roomates and they are teaching me how to let loose and love God without worrying about my next goal.  they are goofy, but real.  I love them so much and God has sure blessed our friendships.

I never thought I could feel content, but I do.

Also....this is my life
http://youtu.be/lbvzkdYqJDc

I freaking died on the cross....

In bible study we were talking about prayer and how we feel guilty or discouraged to come to God whith the same request for help over and over. We feel like we already asked and we messed up again so we don't deserve God's forgiveness or help.

Our leader put it this way. Pretend John was driving down the freeway and crashed his car because he had been drinking and decided to drive anyway. I have a lot of savings and I buy him a new car because I know he needs it to get to work and school and I have the finances. if he reacts by saying "no, I can't take the car I don't deserve it" How am I going to feel? kind of annoyed and upset, I already bought you this car dude! Thats what we do to Jesus when we don't accept his grace and forgiveness. Jesus is like "dude, I freaking died on the cross for you! what a waste if your not going to accept it!"

Similarly if John accepts the car and is greatful and shows it off to all his friends, and takes them for rides all over town, and puts a pic of me on his dashboard :) haha. I would be happy, he let me do something nice for him and help him out. Jesus wants to forgive us thats why he died on the cross, he wants us to accept his grace and be happy, and tell our friends and hang pic of him on our walls, it's done over with he has already died to save us, we just have to accept it.

this doesnt mean that if John accepted the car and imediately went out drinking and rolled the car that I would be happy, I would be dissapointed. Just the same if we don't truly repent and turn away from the sin we commiting Jesus will be like "dude, c'mon"

Joy

For anyone who knows me you will probably agree I am the most ADD person when it comes to life and plans and goals and just about anything. I have never been truly content.  I was struggling through nursing school and after graduation with what I wanted to do and what I felt God was calling me too. I considered seminary, joining the army, moving to florida, overseas missions, going to phoenix, I ended up staying in Tucson because I was offered an job before I graduated and with the scarsity of RN positions I felt lucky to have a job.

Although I was happy to have this job in the hospital of my choice I found things to complain about, I didn't try to get to know my co-workers, or go above and beyond my duties. I struggled with depression and just an overall feeling that life is pointless and I belong in heaven with God, I just have to endure this suckyness we call life.

I recently went to a whole person care conference, hosted by the medical strategic network ( a branch of campus crusade for christ) I was invited by my friends Jamie Buster and Kristi Jamison. I didn't know what it was exactly I just knew my friends were going, I got continuing education credit for going and it was in payson so the weather would be AWESOME! so I went.

God rocked my life at this conference! He just opened my eyes to what he had been setting up and planning for my life all along. We learned how to conduct thorough spiritual assessments using questions mandated by JCAHO the creditation organization for all hospitals, so we can't get in trouble. and we learned how to be bold in our faith without breaking rules. We met tons of encouraging MDs, RNs and other health proffesionals who live out their faith every day!

I dont know why I never considered praying with my patients before, or asking them how their walk with Jesus is going....DUH I work with God's children! He want's them to know and feel his love especially when they are sick and feel helpless. I am excited to wake up for work now, I am excited to care for these people, physically and spiritually. This is the first time in my life I can say I truly feel content and called to a certain mission field.

I know that I am right where Jesus want's me.

Mini devo

This was my first time writing a devotional! Took me way too long but I was so encouraged and amazed at how the holy spirit kept bringing verses to my head and they all fit together!

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. (Hebrews 12:1-4 ESV) .

When I read this I notice two things. One we all have a course set for us a race we have to run. And two  we are called not to survive but to preserver  through this race God has called us to.  In 1 cor it says    Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. (1 Corinthians 9:24 ESV) 

I was thinking through what hinders my ability to run this course god has for me.  for me it's apathy. I can't think of anything I've struggled with more throughout college or now than just plain apathy. The hard part about it is I didn't see it as a sin for many years. I figured as long as I wasn't actively stopping god from working, or stopping others from working for god I could be complacent about anything and everything. Then I read this passage in revelation, "'I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. (Revelation 3:15-17 ESV) and realized my actions or rather my non actions matter to God.  It's all about the heart issues. Are you doing your best in the best way you know how to further gods kingdom and bring him praise. This will look different for everyone, none of us are running the same race. 

I don't know what it is that hinders you from running your race in a way to win the prize, maybe It's apathy like me maybe it's something different, but I want to encourage everyone to take some time at home or during class, since your not listening anyway to think through what it is that really hinders your race and do something about it. for me just being able to recognize that my apathy is a sin and share my tendency to fall into apathy with friends who will hold me accountable has made a huge difference in my attitude towards life and the race god has set up for me. 

Power of Prayer

Im doing a bible study reading through "the heart of prayer" and we got to talk through some tough ideas about how we view God and prayer.

How do you view God? and how does that effect your view of prayer.

Does prayer have power?

Why do we pray?

If God says ask and you will recieve, why dont we always get what we want?

Is God sovreign?

Do you want God to give you what you want or what is best for you?

I hadn't really thought out why we pray or if prayer was meaningful or powerful before, it was just something I did as a way of talking to God. through this Bible study so far I have come to the conclusion that prayer is powerful and necessary.

prayer is like when I was little and would ask my mom if I can have ice cream for breakfast and she would say no  because she knows it isn't healthy. She appreciates that I asked and would give me a healthy breakfast that provided me with more nutrition, and left me full for longer than ice cream would have.

not praying is like me waking up now and eating an icecream bar for breakfast because I'm 21 years old and I do what I want. I am happy for 2 hours until I start crashing and have to eat again at work. taking time out of my busy schedule.

I can get by without prayer and my life will be fine, sometimes good things will happen but I will not live the way God intended.

strange

Have you ever felt like your suddenly woke up and don't know how you got to where you are in life? I have had this happen to me twice, and I remember them distintictly. Once when I was 11 I remember sitting on the living room couch during my sisters birthday party  and realizing my parents had personalities that I couldn't remember noticing before.  strange,  I know but I remember feeling really confused and like I couldn't remember how I grew up not knowing these people...or at least not remembering how they used to be. I also remember feeling really confused about my relationship with my grandparents, I couldnt for the life of me remember what my relationship with them was like...do we hug goodbye? do we talk about real life? do we crack jokes? I still get confused when I remember that time of my life, but I guess I chose how I wanted my relationships to look and I just went with it!

I hadn't thought about that moment in a long time, but yesterday I had the same thing happen. I was talking to the wife of my pt who was dying and was comfort care only. She was explaining to me that they had been married 64 years and that as sad as she was to see him go she was happy for the years they had together. I was blessed to be able to reminisce with her about his life, her life and their family. When he suddenly woke up with a look of sheer terror on his face, he was writhing in bed and staring at the ceiling. Chills ran down my back as I looked at his face. "its OK you can go to heaven" she kept repeating. So I asked if she was religious, she told me she was catholic, but he refused to convert he was a mason and came from a long line of masons. It was at that moment I realized I was watching a man die who was going to hell. All I could think was God I am not equipped to handle this. I couldn't for the life of me remember why I was there or what I could possibly do. I feel like I have floated through college with such apathy for where my life was going that I honestly don't know how or why I am an RN, or why I am at the VA hospital. I trust God will show me and use me for his glory. but I still feel extreme sorrow/terror for that man, and can feel the importance of sharing God with the people in my life before they end up staring death in the face.

life

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

RN

I am not quite an RN just yet but...

I have a job!!!! I will be working at the VA in the ICU!!
God is faithful, I worry and stress and plan, but he has a plan I just need to relax!
now I need to graduate and pass the NCLEX

Friday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0&feature=related
Song to the tune of the above song.


Friday, Friday satan thought he won Friday.
Jesus was crucified on the cross,
the world was dark, the people were lost.
Friday, Friday Jesus died on Friday.
He was mocked and abused,
they called Him king of the Jews.
Sunday, Sunday satan cried on Sunday.
The stone was rolled away
and Jesus saved the day.
Sunday, Sunday Jesus rose on Sunday
His scars were made clear,
the disciples lost their fear.
Friday, Friday can't forget Friday.
Without the dark and despair,
can't understand the hope and repair.
on Sunday, Sunday Hope is here on Sunday.

Wrote in church on Easter

Seder Dinner

I attended a Seder Dinner at church last night, the Host was a Jewish man who now has faith in Jesus, he walked us through the events of the passover dinner, and also the symbolism that points to Jesus.

Passover is a religious ceremony instituted by the God to memorialize the time when He delivered the descendants of Abraham out of slavery in Egypt. The word Seder refers to order, the order of events in which Jews remember their delivery out of Egypt.

On Passover, no leavened bread is to be eaten. Leavening represents sin, just as the leavening puffs up the bread, sin puffs us up. So, a week before Passover all leavened bread is removed from the house, symbolic of cleansing the body of sin.

On the table there are 3 peices of unleavened bread, or Matzah. They are stored in a 3 section container as pictured below.

This 3 section container represents the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. To begin the ceremony, the man of the house removes the matzah from the middle section and breaks it in half, he wraps one half in a white cloth and hides it to be found later.  but the part we participated in began with a piece of unleavened bread

Next they eat parsely dipped in salt water to symbolize tears of the egyptians, onions or bitter root to symbolize the bitter feelings, horse radish on matzah to cause pain and symbolize the cleansing of sin, sweet apples in between two peices of matzah to symbolize the deliverence from the egyptians, and egg dipped in salt water. 

Then the children are sent to find the hiddent peice of matzah, and the kid who finds it is given a reward.

The matzah itself represents Jesus, it has stripes to symbolize the whip marks, it is peirced as Jesus was on the cross, and it is bruised just as jesus was. The act of breaking the bread and burying it in cloth represents jesus being broken and buried. Later it is brought back just as Jesus rose again.

I didnt explain the ceremony completely, but I found it amazing to see how God is so intelligent and thoughtful in all that he does. It breaks my heart that the Jewish people missed the coming of the messiah and are still waiting for Him to come. We prayed that their eyes would be opened to the precious gift that has already been given to them.

If you are interested in learning more this video is the same as the dinner I attended, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVolBDlWloQ

Real life!

Is this real life? quoted from the ever popular "david after the dentist" on you tube...

Anyways, today was a major reality check for me and many of my nursing friends. UMC, the largest, local hospital finally posted new grad positions. We didnt expect them to be posted until the very end of April, so this was very surprising. Thankfully I had my resume and cover letter ready...I applied to many of the jobs and now I just have to wait until May to see if I get interviews and hopefully a job offer!

I have applied to new grad programs in Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Florida, all back up plans...but I havent heard back from any of them. I applied to the VA hospital, TMC, and Banner in Phoenix, so now I just wait and leave the results up to God. Its hard to accept this but I have done all I can do for now and HAVE to wait.

In funner (yes funner is a word in my world) news! I am going to cali this weekend for a CRU retreat! I am going to be interning with Campus Crusade for Christ at UofA next year and couldnt be more excited!! I am going to be doing more of the operations type work yeaya! I felt like God really put it on my heart this last December to use my free time to intern with CRU, I want to do missions full time in the future, hopefully overseas, using my medical skills to help those in need,  and I think God wants me to start now, even if its just a little part of my time.

Ps. Jimmy and Dad my loyal readers haha Thanks for being so encouraging! Love you!

Water water everywhere but not in our house

What did I do today...
Shut off the water to our entire house because of a crazy shower that wouldnt stop running.
Rebelliously did yoga with my shoes on, despite comments that no shoes would be easier.
Camped out at mcdonalds since our water was off.
Applied to a new grad program in florida
Got inducted into Sigma Theta Tau international nursing honor society
Bought dietcoke at safeway because I knew where their bathroom was
Compared stories with the roomies about the closest businesses with nicest bathrooms
Scouted out a potential house
Had a shower party(turn on the water...everyone showers...turn the water back off)
wrote in my blog....
the end

You are crying because....

This quote has been going through my head since I read it a few days ago

"If satan can use our everyday experiences, both big and small to cripple our true identity then he renders God's people totally ineffective for the kingdom of Christ"

Its so true, I have been super overwhelmed this past week or two and it effects every aspect of my life from roomate relationships to family relationships to general interactions with strangers! I get so caught up on worldly stressors and lose focus of the fact that I am on earth solely to proclaim the good news that Jesus died for the sins of the world!

So how do I stop letting small worries take over my entire life and cause me to react to life rather than proactively live life! Well in my bible study Lysa talked about taking lies you believe and replacing them with Biblical truth! That totally makes sense! I can either choose to wallow in self pitty and stress or I can ask God to show me the truth in a situation.

Matthew 6:25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Psalm 119:37 Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.
That is all, next time I cry over something stupid, or worry about something other than someones salvation feel free to quote scripture until I stop being stubborn and give up worrying!