Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Have you ever felt like your suddenly woke up and don't know how you got to where you are in life? I have had this happen to me twice, and I remember them distintictly. Once when I was 11 I remember sitting on the living room couch during my sisters birthday party  and realizing my parents had personalities that I couldn't remember noticing before.  strange,  I know but I remember feeling really confused and like I couldn't remember how I grew up not knowing these people...or at least not remembering how they used to be. I also remember feeling really confused about my relationship with my grandparents, I couldnt for the life of me remember what my relationship with them was like...do we hug goodbye? do we talk about real life? do we crack jokes? I still get confused when I remember that time of my life, but I guess I chose how I wanted my relationships to look and I just went with it!

I hadn't thought about that moment in a long time, but yesterday I had the same thing happen. I was talking to the wife of my pt who was dying and was comfort care only. She was explaining to me that they had been married 64 years and that as sad as she was to see him go she was happy for the years they had together. I was blessed to be able to reminisce with her about his life, her life and their family. When he suddenly woke up with a look of sheer terror on his face, he was writhing in bed and staring at the ceiling. Chills ran down my back as I looked at his face. "its OK you can go to heaven" she kept repeating. So I asked if she was religious, she told me she was catholic, but he refused to convert he was a mason and came from a long line of masons. It was at that moment I realized I was watching a man die who was going to hell. All I could think was God I am not equipped to handle this. I couldn't for the life of me remember why I was there or what I could possibly do. I feel like I have floated through college with such apathy for where my life was going that I honestly don't know how or why I am an RN, or why I am at the VA hospital. I trust God will show me and use me for his glory. but I still feel extreme sorrow/terror for that man, and can feel the importance of sharing God with the people in my life before they end up staring death in the face.

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