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Gods just been showing me how different this year is than I expected it to be. Its my first year not in school and I thought it would be super freeing and just fun. This year is fun! and in a way I never expected.

It's weird not having an end goal in sight, Im not living just to get through this semester, or through this test, or through nursing school. I am out in the world living life just to live.  I was really depressed for my first few months out in the real world, I felt like I had no purpose, no goal, no reason to get up every morning. I know dramatic, but its something I struggle with. Unless I have a goal in mind, its hard for me to be motivated and want to try hard at what Im doing, it feels endless and dumb. Luckily God is smarter than my ADD.

I asked God just to show me His will and plan. I went to a medical conference that just opened my eyes to how extremely lucky I am to be able to care for his children at their most vulnerable times, and show them His love and comfort. I know the way I care for my patients has changed, I don't feel unatached anymore, but I don't feel overwhelmed by their problems. I pray for them everyday before during and after work and let God take care of them.

 I also just recently got the opportunity to move into more of a leadership position with CRU. because of unfortunate circumstances I know get to be the girl leader for one of the community groups and follow up with the freshman and non-leader girls. I was over joyed, I had been praying for God to show me how he was going to use me and what he wanted me to do, and he showed me EXACTLY how he was going to use me in both my work and my volunteering.

On top of all of that he has been showing me how to appreciate each day as it comes. I love my roomates and they are teaching me how to let loose and love God without worrying about my next goal.  they are goofy, but real.  I love them so much and God has sure blessed our friendships.

I never thought I could feel content, but I do.

Also....this is my life
http://youtu.be/lbvzkdYqJDc

I freaking died on the cross....

In bible study we were talking about prayer and how we feel guilty or discouraged to come to God whith the same request for help over and over. We feel like we already asked and we messed up again so we don't deserve God's forgiveness or help.

Our leader put it this way. Pretend John was driving down the freeway and crashed his car because he had been drinking and decided to drive anyway. I have a lot of savings and I buy him a new car because I know he needs it to get to work and school and I have the finances. if he reacts by saying "no, I can't take the car I don't deserve it" How am I going to feel? kind of annoyed and upset, I already bought you this car dude! Thats what we do to Jesus when we don't accept his grace and forgiveness. Jesus is like "dude, I freaking died on the cross for you! what a waste if your not going to accept it!"

Similarly if John accepts the car and is greatful and shows it off to all his friends, and takes them for rides all over town, and puts a pic of me on his dashboard :) haha. I would be happy, he let me do something nice for him and help him out. Jesus wants to forgive us thats why he died on the cross, he wants us to accept his grace and be happy, and tell our friends and hang pic of him on our walls, it's done over with he has already died to save us, we just have to accept it.

this doesnt mean that if John accepted the car and imediately went out drinking and rolled the car that I would be happy, I would be dissapointed. Just the same if we don't truly repent and turn away from the sin we commiting Jesus will be like "dude, c'mon"

Joy

For anyone who knows me you will probably agree I am the most ADD person when it comes to life and plans and goals and just about anything. I have never been truly content.  I was struggling through nursing school and after graduation with what I wanted to do and what I felt God was calling me too. I considered seminary, joining the army, moving to florida, overseas missions, going to phoenix, I ended up staying in Tucson because I was offered an job before I graduated and with the scarsity of RN positions I felt lucky to have a job.

Although I was happy to have this job in the hospital of my choice I found things to complain about, I didn't try to get to know my co-workers, or go above and beyond my duties. I struggled with depression and just an overall feeling that life is pointless and I belong in heaven with God, I just have to endure this suckyness we call life.

I recently went to a whole person care conference, hosted by the medical strategic network ( a branch of campus crusade for christ) I was invited by my friends Jamie Buster and Kristi Jamison. I didn't know what it was exactly I just knew my friends were going, I got continuing education credit for going and it was in payson so the weather would be AWESOME! so I went.

God rocked my life at this conference! He just opened my eyes to what he had been setting up and planning for my life all along. We learned how to conduct thorough spiritual assessments using questions mandated by JCAHO the creditation organization for all hospitals, so we can't get in trouble. and we learned how to be bold in our faith without breaking rules. We met tons of encouraging MDs, RNs and other health proffesionals who live out their faith every day!

I dont know why I never considered praying with my patients before, or asking them how their walk with Jesus is going....DUH I work with God's children! He want's them to know and feel his love especially when they are sick and feel helpless. I am excited to wake up for work now, I am excited to care for these people, physically and spiritually. This is the first time in my life I can say I truly feel content and called to a certain mission field.

I know that I am right where Jesus want's me.